The Sport of Dating

Done for a While

2006-09-06T10:15:00.000-07:00

I have a back log of stories, but for those of you that know me you will understand why I don't really have the motivation to do this right now. I may pick it up in the middle of October, or this may be the end of my journey. Actually, I don't think it will be the end. I'm just not in the mood right now. Check back next month.

Date #18

2006-08-21T14:21:00.000-07:00

Age: 37 (seriously)
Score: 16 (8 face/8 body - seriously)
Occupation: Promotions
Hometown: Los Angeles

So, on this date I was fulfilling my duties as a wingman. T-money wanted to meet up with a girl and he needed someone to occupy her friend. So we went to meet the girls and I was pleasantly surprised. This girl was hot. I mean really hot. She was a thin, blonde girl that was clearly from L.A. Tonight was going to be a good one. So we move in and everyone starts talking. She tells me that she is 37 and it blows me away. Seriously, I wouldn’t have guessed a day over 25. And then the real stuff comes out - she’s married. Now in a typical situation I wouldn’t say a word and just turn around and walk away. However, I knew I had a job to do and I stayed for T-money’s sake. I also changed my tactics and just started talking to her like I would my sister, and not like prey.

The evening went on and I noticed that #18 had stopped trying to talk to her friend and just concentrated on me. So the group moved to the W Hotel where #18 and her friend were staying. We all had some drinks in the lobby and were having a good time. Oh wait, I forgot to mention that there was another guy there with us. He was a reporter (we’ll call him “Lame” from now on) and I think had the hots for #18. Here’s the thing, Lame was very socially awkward when it came to these matters and was really annoying us. So in a conspicuous move T and his girl go upstairs. I say conspicuous because we were sitting next to the elevators and they had to stand there embarrassed for about a minute with us watching them while they waited for the next car. When they left it was just me, #18 and Lame in the lobby, so I threw out a suggestion: “Let’s go get in the hot tub.”

We go up to #18's room and stripped down and got in these really nice, plush robes. Except for Lame, he stays in his undershirt (not happy with his body). So we go to the hot tub and go swimming and drinking for a couple of hours. During this time I notice #18 really taking a liking to me and initiating physical contact with me. After a while we were done and all three go up to her room. It took a while, but Lame finally gave up and left. Then #18 sat down next to me to show me something random. So there we were, a married girl and me. I was inches from her face. She wanted to start to make out, it was very obvious. And then...I couldn’t bring myself to do it. She was married.

The next day I tried to figure out if I was 1) a bad person for trying to get into a married girl’s pants, or 2) a good person because I couldn’t go through with it. The consensus of my friends is that I was a moronic person because her marriage has nothing to do with me. They said that what she decides to do is on her. Looking back, I agree. Oh well, at least I won’t have some psycho husband coming after me.

Date #17 - Continued

2006-08-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

So, you may wonder what happened with Date 17 and here it is - nothing. (Now when you read this remember that I am completely embarrassed and disappointed in myself. No man should act like this.) So nothing happened. “Why” you may ask. Well, there are a number of reasons and none of them really makes much sense in hindsight.

First, she had a boyfriend. Most who know me would know that that is generally not a problem. (As will be further explored in Date 18.) However, it turns out that I respect #17 so much that I did not want to put her in a bad position. (And I’m a pussy around her. Seriously, I can't deny her anything.)

Next, we didn’t have much alone time because my wingmen bailed on me on that weekend. Thus, there were 3 of us going around San Francisco and Napa (what I generally call “The Closer”).

Finally, and here is the one that makes me want to puke, just her being there was enough. The thing is, we connected instantly again and I am about 100% sure that if I would have been more aggressive then we would have picked up where we left off. I mean, even if there were nothing there, here is a girl on vacation in the USA for the first time - the party is just waiting to happen.

Oh well, at least now I know that it is possible for me really to like someone at this point in my life, and thus, all of the girls that I have met to this point in San Francisco were deficient in some way.

Date #17 - Sweet Validation

2006-07-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, so people have said that I am too picky and just look for excuses not to like someone because I am scared of commitment. They also say that having a blog like this is just another way to avoid commitment. Fair enough, but not true. And how do I know this? Because of #17.

Age: 25
Score: Perfect
Occupation: Lawyer
Hometown: Paris, France

My old roommate used to say that I have “foreign girl game” – and he’s right. For whatever reason, foreign girls like me. I think it is the fact that they like Americans and I keep up-to-date on world news, thus alleviating any preconceived notions that Americans don’t know anything about the world.

I dated #17 when I was in London four years ago. I really liked her then, so it was going to be interesting to see her again when she came through town. So, do I still like her? Well, the answer is a resounding “yes.” Now, how do I know that I really like her? Because I turn into an incredible pussy when I am around her. She thinks that I am a really sweet, caring, kind, calm and gentle person. Some people wouldn’t think that this is a bad thing, but it kills me because it ruins my game to no end. It’s very true; girls don’t like hooking up with nice guys.

I’ll finish up this story this week. Just know that it was the best of times and the worst of times.

Date #16

2006-07-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

Age: 28
Score: I don’t rate friends
Occupation: Consultant
Hometown: Sumter, SC

Ok, so this is kind of a date, but not the real deal. #16 and I were introduced by a mutual friend (we’ll call her “MFer”). I am not sure what MFer said about me, because I met her during my trip to Austin. Whatever she said, it had to be ok because #16 was still willing to talk to me (and I am pretty sure that this blog came up). So the first time we met it was for coffee in middle of one day. We got along pretty good, but I think the clincher for me was the fact that she was a Gamecock fan (we are few and far between out here).

So even though we met for coffee, our schedules did not allow us to hang out for months. We became decent friends during this time trading phone calls and such. Then came the night in which we were finally able to hang out. She had been out for some time and so had I. When we finally met up she was all about trying to help me pick up girls so that she could read about them (It’s funny, but people like to be in on the ground floor of these dates – from the initial pick-up). After talking to her friends (of which she said they were interested) and ruling them out I noticed that #16 had a banging body.

When we were finally going home we split a cab. When we stopped at her place and I noticed that I did not have enough money to go any further – I had $10 and the fare was already up to $9. I took this to be a sign from God and got out so to go check her place out. Needless to say we ended up making out. Now, I know this is not a real date per se, but it kind of was. If we were each other’s type, then we could have ended up dating. But we weren’t so we are still just friends. So, as you read this #16 I just have one thing to say: “Ha ha, I got you.”

The real dating stories will resume next.

Date #15

2006-07-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, here they come.

So, I have been convinced to start putting in the “dates” that occur when I am on trips, simply because I do some of my best work on the road. Another reason is that you are bound to have much more unique experiences on the road than if you are at home. That leads us to #15 – and unique is a pretty good explanation.

Age: Unknown
Score: Unknown (She appeared cute and with a nice body; I cannot confirm though others have said the same)
Occupation: Probably just graduated law school
Hometown: Met her in Austin, TX; don’t think she’s from there

The reason for all of the vague answers is that I met #15 at a function at the University of Texas Law School. And it wasn’t just any function, it was the best party I have been to. It was a casino night with top shelf liquor and maybe the best 80’s band I have ever seen. Needless to say, I was sauced and dancing to Come on Eileen all night. So since it was a party and I didn’t technically have a date, I was looking for one – though this happened during the party.

I made a mistake in not talking to one law student earlier in the weekend, because when she showed up in her red dress she looked awesome. Though Red Dress and I chatted, she seemed like a nice girl, and once Chuff hits 10 drinks and is only in town for one more night he doesn’t need a nice girl.

So somehow I came to talk to #15. She was cute and not attached so I figure this would be a good person to hang out with. Now mind you, all of the details are a bit sketchy because once again, there was top shelf liquor. #15 and I proceeded to dance have a decent conversation and then make out. Upon seeing this my host for the weekend, YellowPeril, pulled me aside and told me to stop because #15 was the most socially awkward girl in the law school - I don’t remember this conversation. Apparently someone else told me this also – and once again I have no memory of this.

Long story short we eventually leave party. We go to her car and the thing is the messiest car I have ever seen. It looked like she was letting a homeless man live in her back seat. I really think that there is something wrong with someone that lets their living spaces get this messy. So upon seeing this mess I started to paying more attention to her mannerisms and thought to myself “wow, this girl is really socially awkward.”

We finally got back to YellowPeril’s house and #15 proceeded to lie down on my air mattress (YellowPeril really knows how to take care of her guests) and fall asleep. From the stories that I have heard later, this was the best possible way for the night to end for Chuff.

I can’t wait until Casino Night next year.

Here Comes a Flurry

2006-07-09T11:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have been slacking off in terms of writing on this blog. However, in the next two weeks dates 15-19 will be on the board. This includes someone that I actually like, or liked - we haven't seen each other for a while. And as you can already guess, since I liked her at one point she does not live in San Francisco.

You Can't Go Home Again - Date #14

2006-06-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

I have realized something - time rarely changes things. Sure, time CAN change things. But in reality, most times it doesn't. Take #14 for instance, I met her right before I came out to San Francisco. She was a cute, blonde, college girl at USC and was really fun to hang out with for a couple of weeks. We continued to talk and she even came out to visit once. An all around nice girl is what she is, but I realized long ago that she can really be difficult to handle. This is especially true when she likes someone.

So here's the thing, she's crazy. Now I don't mean really crazy. I use that word so much that it is watered-down. Thus, she is watered-down crazy - extremely irrational may be a better term but I figured that was implied due to her gender. However, she is usually fun to be around and pretty funny to talk to. Another thing, she started to let herself go. Over time, she fluctuated, but never got back to that first-meeting form. That brings us to this last weekend.

Age: 24
Score: 13 (6.5 body/6.5 face - I told you, she let herself go. Also, she isn't blonde anymore. Now, it isn't that I prefer blondes, quite the opposite actually. It's just that for whatever reason blonde hair can make a face jump up a complete point. Its a mystery, but I try not to question these things.)
Occupation: Fashion
Hometown: Charlotte, NC

Ok, so I was passing through town and needed a place to stay and she insisted that I stay with her. As I am a master of couch surfing I figured it would be cool. So things started out just fine. It was nice to see her again and I had just had some good meetings that day. Then we started drinking and the real fun began. And by "real fun" I mean I regretted my decision to stay with her for every second of the evening.

Dinner wasn't bad, though when we were in there she introduced me in a lovey-dovey voice and everyone there had heard of me - often. (She waits tables there one day a week for some extra cash.) The following are the other things she did that made cringe:

- Made me take a picture with her in a bar (standing in the middle of the floor, not just a booth shot)
- Told me I was her best friend (What?! She really insisted this was true.)
- Tried to make me hold her hand
- Got mad at me because I am going to be living in San Francisco for at least one more year (as if when I moved back we would date)
- Started crying while driving (because she was lost - and because I knew where we were and she didn't even though she lives there)
- And the clincher: tried to make me have sex with her

Now, I'm glad this is anonymous because #14 is harmless, very sweet and filled with good intentions. I guess I just don't like when those intentions are aimed at me. When I left the next day I realized that this is how John McCain must have felt after being freed from his POW camp in Vietnam. Though, I doubt anyone there tried to hold his hand.

Lucky Sweater - Date #13

2006-06-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have a lucky sweater. Seriously. This thing has a 90% success rate. I don't know why it works, but it works. Take last Saturday. The friend who was staying with me left that afternoon and I was severely hung over. I wasn't expecting anything out of the evening, so much so I didn't think I was going to go out. However, my friend T-money told me about a party that he was going to and I decided to go because of one girl that I knew would be there. So I throw on the lucky sweater and head out.

Age: 25
Score: 15.5 (7.5 face/8 body)
Occuapation: Unknown
Home State: Oregon or California (I'm not a very good listener)

So, this may not be a real date, but I am going to start adding things like this to show that I am not slacking off, just taking another route to getting to know someone. So #13 and I had met before and so we knew each other when we met at this birthday party. There were several girls out that night so Z and I decided to start a little competition to see who could pick up the girls. This was a head-to-head competition, so we had to go for the same girls. I feel sorry for taking advantage of Z like this because he didn't know the power of the lucky sweater.

So I talk to #13 for a while, and so does Z. She doesn't seem to be leaning in either direction until we were leaving the bar on the way to a roof party (That's roof, as in the top of a building and has nothing to do with ingesting date rape drugs). On our way out she asks if I will go with her to drop her sweater by her apartment. Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner. Needless to say she made out with me that night. Score 1 for Chuff, 0 for Z.

(Oh, and she wants to hang out again. So that was kind of a first date.)

A Break

2006-05-31T08:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am taking a break. Not because I want to, but my current situation dictates it. I am having company come in tomorrow and staying for 10 days, and then after that I will be making a business trip in the Carolinas the following weekend.

And for the record, my company will be a girl, thus, unless I want to go for the holy trinity any dating is out of the question while she is here. I don't want to be rude.

Until I am back from my break I will be updating regularly with some random stuff that is happening. That can be just as good as the other stuff.

Date #12

2006-05-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, so if there is one thing that I have a true soft spot for, its cheerleaders. To me they represent everything that is right about America. Cheerleaders are America personified. And just seeing them puts a smile on my face (I’m very patriotic).

So I participated in the Bay to Breakers race yesterday. For those of you who don’t know, that is where almost 70,000 “runners” get dressed up in costumes and walk in the race course while getting hammered. This all starts about 7:30 in the morning and ends in Golden Gate Park. It is a great and crazy time. Lots of naked people (not good naked, old naked). Lots of creative costumes. Tons of drinking. And it is all over by 2 in the afternoon.

My friends and I went as the Duke Lacrosse team and were a huge hit. Never have rape chants brought smiles to so many faces. We took a lot of pictures with other runners and had an overall good time. I saw my boy ConAir out there and he said he has never seen me that drunk before, and this was half way through the race. It was my level of inebriation that actually makes this story even better because I was able to pull myself together to not only pick up a girl, but take her out to get sushi later that night. And you may have guessed it by now, she was dressed as a cheerleader.

Age: 30
Score: 16 (7.5 face/8.5 body)
Occupation: Advertising
Home State: North Dakota (seriously, I thought is was just a myth that people actually lived there)

So #12 was walking in the rain on her way home and I was immediately attracted to her. Obviously I was, she was in an f-ing cheerleader uniform. That’s like putting a kilo of cocaine in front of Lawrence Taylor. Or an ear in front of Mike Tyson. Or a knife and a blonde in front of OJ. So we walked in the rain and got to know each other for a bit and I got her number and told her that we would be going out later that night (This was drunk Chuff talking). She just laughed and we parted ways. Upon finally reaching home I sobered up, took a nap, and got in touch with #12.

We ended up going to have a great sushi dinner, and on top of all that, she was still very attractive without the uniform and without me being drunk. So, it was one of the better days I have had in San Francisco. Now, we will probably go out again because she is completely cool, but she is also 30. This is not something that sits well with Chuff and thus anything more than a couple of dates is out of the question. But, she’s hot and that gets you an automatic pass to the next round.

The Great Unknown

2006-05-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I think it may be time to knock something off my list – the Craigslist date. Now you may remember that I said that getting a date off of Craigslist would be similar to getting a date off Match.com, if everyone on Match.com were a maniac. Well, after glancing at some of the ads today I think I still hold the same opinion. This one is really scaring me. Seriously, nothing good can come of this.

If you would like to see for yourself, go to Craigslist.org and click on “women seeking men.” Also put in “27" as the maximum age. You will see what I am talking about.

Now, some of my fear stems from my ignorance of how this works. (I think my dignity is also getting in the way, but I’ll worry about that later.) At first I figured I would pick the one with the cutest picture. Unfortunately not everyone puts up a picture (and the percentage of those who did that ring in at over 3 bells is astounding). So, I don’t really have anything to go by. It’s all a crapshoot. The only thing I can take solace in at this point is that the only three things I have gotten off Craigslist thus far, a roommate, an apartment and 2 bar mirrors, all turned out great. Maybe my mojo will keep working for me here.

Who am I kidding? I'm toast.

Date #11

2006-05-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, so you know how the U.N. was founded after the Holocaust under the banner “never again?” Well, that’s how I felt the day after Cinco de Mayo. That is until several ibuprofen and a fond glance back at what was my night.

So I usually don’t write about a date until I go on one actual date, but this one is too good not to share immediately. (Also, a date has been confirmed.)

Age: 23
Score: Unknown
Occupation: Unknown
Hometown: Unknown (It was Cinco de Mayo, how much do you remember from that night?)

So the night started great, just bouncing from place to place and enjoying the excitement in the city. We went down to Mamacitas, the new place for hot girls to go. There was only one real knockout there, but she came in while we were leaving. I had my eye on one girl, but then I noticed she had a weird look in her eye and her posture made her look frumpy. Anyway, we met up with my friend Fife and moved on to other places.

Fife is great. One of the more fun people to go out with because he will say anything to anyone, but has a manner about him that makes them forget that he is an asshole. Take for instance when we went in EastsideWest and he told a group of Asian kids that he was better at math then they were. The best part is that they started arguing back. But in typical Fife fashion, this was just an opening line meant to shock and within 10 minutes we were doing shots with all of them. That’s where I met #11. So #11 and I started talking and got along well. So well that she invited me to go back with all of her friends after the bar closed. I agreed and we left.

So it’s just me and 5 Asian kids going to the Sunset District. We go in (everyone takes off their shoes) and hang out for a while. The night gets late, and #11 lives down the peninsula so they drop me off at my place on their way out of town. At this point it is 4 am, but I am still wide awake. I call #11, knowing that she would be in the car. So we start a conversation about us going out this week and in the background I hear one of the guys say “But he’s white.” This makes me happy.

I asked number #11 in an incredulous voice (completely trying to act offended) “did someone just say ‘but he’s white’?” She says “yes” and apologizes, not knowing that there was no reason for apologies. This was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I started cracking up. This was definitely a first.

So, even though I couldn’t pick #11 out of a line-up, we’re going out this week because I know it will piss her friends off. Aaah dating. Gotta love it.

Ok, This Time it Really Wasn't My Fault

2006-05-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

Seriously. So, I have been pretty good about taking the blame when I drop the ball. Maybe I drank to much, or had the audacity to get strep throat, but when I fall behind on my own accord, I accept it. However, I refuse to take responsibility for striking out this last weekend. The reason: I didn't even get to the plate because there was not a single attractive girl out in the city this weekend. Not one! It kills me. How can so many uglies live in one city?

I went out to the ballpark, the Marina (generally considered the best looking part of town), Polk Street, Haight Street and even got to go lay out in the park. In all of my travels this weekend, there was not a single girl that would even qualify as cute. I hate it here. I wasn't even being picky this weekend because I could tell it was going to be one of those weekends. I would have even hit on a girl that was "San Francisco cute" if there was one. There wasn't. It's not my fault.

Something I Do

2006-04-28T09:38:00.000-07:00

I like to think ahead. Way ahead. So one of the things I do after every first date that I go on is call a friend and tell that friend, “I just went out with the girl I’m going to marry.” Seriously. “Why?” you may ask. Well the answer is easy. This way I get HUGE bonus points if I actually do marry the girl. Picture this:

It is my rehearsal dinner night and I have asked said friend to be a groomsman in my wedding. As people go around and give speeches, friend stands up and says, “I remember when Chuff called me after his first date with _________ (insert bride’s name here). He told me, ‘Friend, I just went out with the girl I’m going to marry.’”

This will instantly set of an explosion of love for Chuff. There will be a resounding “Awwwwww,” throughout the dinner. Bride will give her bridesmaids a look that expresses “I can’t believe he said that. He is so amazing,” as she holds back tears of happiness. And finally, Bride’s mom will lean over to Bride’s dad and say “Isn’t Chuff wonderful?” As for me, I just bask in the love eruption that I have made for myself (I was thinking about wording this last sentence differently, but you get the point).

So you see, when you fail to plan, you plan to fail. It just so happens that planning my glory is one of my favorite pastimes.

I've Fallen Behind - Not My Fault

2006-04-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, so some of it is my fault -- like two weekends ago when I got sauced celebrating a new client, or in the past when I got way to drunk all weekend for whatever reason and lost track of my goals. However, this last weekend I was stricken with strep throat and did nothing but sleep on my couch for four days. Oh and I got to watch some TV.

Some Suggestions: The movie "Just Friends" is funny. Definitely worth watching. The scenes with Ryan Reynolds and Anna Faris are especially good; The other is The History Channel's "Ten Days That Unexpectedly changed America." I got to see all ten hours of it. All of them are great and I suggest them to anyone -- especially the ones on Einstein's letters about the atomic bomb and the assassination of President McKinley.

So, as I start to feel better, and as the weather in San Francisco appears to be turning for the better, I predict a fierce comeback. We'll see how it works out.

(Oh, and I am going to wait to see that movie about gymnastics "Stick It" until it is on video, but only because I would look like a creep seeing it in the theater. But seriously, how great is that going to be.)

Update - A Change

2006-04-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

I’m tired. I really am. And this is going to change my strategy for a while to say the least. You see, I usually like to go out and have a great time when I pick up girls. This, however, usually ends up with me drinking too much, among other things, because I have no self-control. Actually, I do have self control; I just choose not to use it. Why would I? I mean, if you are going to go out to party, why half-ass things? But as of late, it’s just getting to be a bit too much. I need a calming influence in my life; unfortunately, I have yet to meet one out here. Maybe I need to hang out with more boring people. Anyway, I am going to try and take a more calm approach to the upcoming weekends. (You may remember I was going to do this last month when I realized that I was going to pay out the ass to the tax man, and thus would not have any cash to get drunk. However, the only thing that lead to was finding cheap ways to get sauced. (I wish I could use my problem solving skills for good.)) So we’ll see how this works out.

So, #9 and #10 were last week, and I have come to some conclusions about them. I was going to write about #10’s good qualities this week, but then I decided against it. The reason: #9 was a better fit than she was. So if you know of something better, why dwell on the less good? I will make a nice text to #10 and call it quits with her from there. As for #9, she was great. I would like to get to know her better, but I don’t know if she feels likewise. I left her a message recently, but haven’t gotten a call-back since she went home for a visit. I’m not sure exactly what would have gone wrong, but I am pretty sure she was still hung up on a 4-year relationship that ended six months ago. Oh well, its time to see how the new “Relaxed Chuff” picks up this next week. I have a feeling he’ll do just fine.

Date #10

2006-04-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

Age: 23
Score: 14.5 (7.5 face/7 body) – The body score could go up. She was bundled up in dark colors when I last saw her. (Sometimes a bad sign)
Occupation: Art Gallery Employee
Hometown: San Diego, CA

Ok, I have a couple of thoughts after this date. One, it is really hard for me to put forth an effort when I am tired. And two, another California girl bites the dust. Ok, so #10 and I met in the Marina and had a mutual attraction. We ended up going to the Nob Hill Café for dinner because my garage-mate’s car died and I couldn’t pull mine out. We were going to go to Bissap Baobab, a restaurant that I have wanted to go to for well over a year. But alas, every time I try and go there, it doesn’t work out. Seriously, there are forces out there keeping me away from this place.

So, maybe my lethargy kept me from really enjoying this date, or maybe it was her extreme California personality, but I really didn’t feel it from the beginning of the date. Now, words fail me when I try and explain “extreme California personality,” but hopefully I will someday be able to write it down. As for now, imagine what everyone hates about Southern California people, and that was her. However, I have to say, I was tired and thus not in the best mood, so maybe anyone would have annoyed me. Here are some highlights of things that I wasn’t a big fan of:
- She thinks the Marina is the center of the universe. Marina people, the ones who really feel like they found their place in the world, use aggravating Marina lingo like calling the Marina “the bubble.” “Oh, I never leave the bubble,” they say giggling, obviously proud of themselves. Oh really, shut the F up. They call Chestnut Street “The Nut.” Finally, they can’t understand why anyone would live outside of the Marina, let alone not be jealous of someone who does live in the Marina. #10 expressed all three. (There are more things that could be said about the Marina, but that might deserve a column of its own. You do have to love the area though, because if a girl goes out down there they are looking to hook up.)
- If I hadn’t heard of some obscure restaurant, or something of the like, then she would look at me like I was some sheltered redneck. Sorry I don't know of the best fish taco shack in San Diego.
- She claimed to have impeccable taste in wine (“my friends always ask me to try the wine to see if it’s good.”), and the wine that she loved at dinner tasted like monkey piss.
- She winks -- a lot. I mean all the time. At first I thought it was a nervous tick, but then she said that she does it on purpose. I must have been winked at 40 or 50 times throughout the night. I really hope that it is a nervous tick. That I could accept. You see, I don’t trust people that wink. I really don’t. I put them in the same boat as people that whistle and nudists as people I will probably never trust. I'm not exactly sure why those three things trigger so much distrust in me, but I think its because all three acts are inherently insincere. And for someone to do it that much, she might as well have been planning my murder right in front of me.
- There are many other things, but I noticed this post is getting long. I’ll finish up later.

In the next post I’ll explain that even though I found this girl annoying and didn’t feel like we clicked, I really want to like her. This is because she has a ton of good qualities (they probably outweigh the bad) and I can’t give up on my desire to date a Southern California girl.

Date #9

2006-04-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, so with company in town, scheduling difficulties and sickness hovering like a cloud over me for the last couple of weeks I have been shirking my duties. However, this week I am going to make it up by hopefully going on at least 4 dates. I went on a hot streak on Saturday night and got 3 numbers, 2 with the quick pick-up (we’ll start calling it a “QPU” from now on). Anyway, let’s get started.

Age: 25
Score: 16.5 (8 face/8.5 body) – the face score could go up, but as it is, half the time you look at her she is super cute, the other half she is hot. She is a two-face. Fortunately both of the faces are pleasing, but it is really confusing trying to decide on a score.
Occupation: Banking
Hometown: Cedar Rapids, Iowa

So #9 and I met on Saturday night and clicked immediately. It turns out Z had his eye on her, but I was not aware of this because it looked like he was hopping on her friend. It turns out Z’s girl was angry. Not at anything in particular, just in general – angry. I noticed that #9 was very cute (Face #1) and as we talked I liked her more and more. She is a huge college football fan and seemed to have a steady family life. I will say though, I had a lot to drink at this point and could have made a mistake. So, I walked her home at the end of the evening and as I was standing there I decided to double-check to see if I got her number correct. As I was scrolling through my phone I realized that I had forgotten her name. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t remember. I was just praying that I would see it and it would trigger something in my head, but in my drunken state I was helpless. I kept scrolling until she saw my problem and said “Do you have any other _______s in your phone?” Cool girl. She definitely gets bonus points for that. So we started making out in front of her building. In the middle of making out on the street she stops me and says “I don’t normally do this.” Oh really.

Ok girls, this paragraph is for you. If you think that your behavior might be questionable and you feel like you want to say something to defend yourself, don’t. Here’s why: when you say something like “I usually don’t do this” or “I've never done this before” guys immediately think, “Oh, so you did this last night.” Even if what you’re saying is the truth, we think it is a lie. Most likely we aren’t even thinking about it, but then when you bring it up, it brings it to mind and can possibly reflect negatively on you. Fortunately #9 doesn’t get any negative points because we were just kissing on the street. That is a harmless thing and if she was worried about what I would think about her for that she probably isn’t a floozy. Usually, you hear the “I’ve never done this before” right after a girl puts her hair in a pony tail the first night you meet her.

So #9 and I went out the next day and when she got in the cab she looked hot (Face #2). We had a great dinner and she was completely normal, fun to be around and most importantly appeared to be issue-free (possible girlfriend material). We will be going out again in the near future. After the date we kissed on her doorstep. Though this time she didn’t say anything about not normally doing that because I would have known it was a lie.

I Wish They All Could Be....

2006-04-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

Ok, so west coast girls, specifically California girls really intrigue me. This has to do with my love of 90210, The OC, Paris Hilton and the fact that I have never been able to maintain any semblance of a relationship with one for more than two weeks. For whatever reason, they just don’t like me.

Now, I have “gone out” with about 14 or 15 girls since I have been in California that were raised on the West Coast. And no matter who it was, after about two weeks the magic is just gone – on both sides. We both just lose interest. Now, I have no guess as to why this is. They have all been nice people and some of them were really attractive. Ok, so one was a hard-core feminist (I should have kept this one going for the sheer comedy of it), and a couple were older than me (one was only 8 months older than me, but that mental block I have still kicked in).

So the more failures I have, the more it becomes a challenge to hook a California girl for at least a month. I know I can do it. I want to do it. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that I want a Southern California girl. They have a different outlook on life that I find refreshing. They aren’t as serious and tend to enjoy life more than Nor-Cal girls. That isn’t to say that Nor-Cal girls are no fun, but people that grow up in sunny weather near a beach tend to have a more laid back outlook on life. So-Cal girls also tend to be more fun drinkers.

So, as of right now here is my run-down on California girls I am working on. I am befriending a couple of girls from the Malibu area. I was going to try and take one of them out, but I think I would rather have them as friends. They live really close and I think there are more benefits to having them as friends (one is a party planner for restaurant, bar and museum openings, and they make me breakfast on Sundays complete with mimosas with tangerine juice. By the way, only use tangerine juice for your mimosas, it is ten times better than OJ.). This last week I met a girl from San Diego that is very pretty by all accounts, though I still haven’t seen her sober. #4, from Fresno, is still in the picture, but I almost don’t consider Fresno as being in California. It’s kind of like an extension of Nevada. And finally, there is the really hot girl from Marin County that I met a while ago. Though, I don’t know if this will work out because she seemed pretty miffed that I put a number behind her name in my phone. I told her that is was just because I knew too many girls with her name, but she still seemed a little put off by it.

The Quick Pick-Up

2006-03-28T11:56:00.000-08:00

The quick pick-up is my favorite way to meet girls. There are for several reasons for this, the least of which is that you get the most bang for your buck. Or in reality, no bucks. A quick pick-up occurs when you approach a girl as you are leaving an establishment, or when you have any excuse as to why you can’t stay and chat. Now, prior to the pick-up there has to have been some eye contact or interaction throughout the night. (Imagine the amount of eye contact necessary for you to go over to someone in the first place) Then, you go up to the girl and tell her some line about “really wanting to talk to her, but you can’t right now. Can you have her number?” Or, “I saw you and I think I really want to get to know you.” The beauty of this: it really works well. I’d go as far to say 85% of the time. Here’s why:

First, when you only ask for a number because you want to talk you automatically move from “guy who’s looking to get laid in a bar,” to “guy who may have some potential.” Next, you get major points for having a lot of confidence. From the outside it looks like a really ballsy move. In reality it’s a stab in the dark. Whatever. Girls eat it up. Third, you get major serendipitous points. Girls love the idea of meeting their perfect mate through fate. By doing the quick pick-up it appears to be fate forcing the man over to talk because it will be the biggest mistake of his life not to. Fourth, in a similar vein to number three, you get romantic comedy points. Girls love romantic comedies (AKA – Chick Flicks) and would love to meet their mate in a way similar to the movies. Going up to a girl because you saw her across the room or on the street and just had to talk to her qualifies for chick flick standards.

And there are other ways that this is awesome that don’t deal with a woman’s psyche. First, after you get the number you can call the next day and sweet talk her when you are sober (much easier than when loaded). And if you were sober, this allows you to plan out some conversation so that it flows when you talk. Second, you don’t have to deal with any distractions of the bar (ie, noise, crowds, other girls). Third, you don’t spend a dime. Next, almost anyone can do this. (This might be the best one.) Because this usually happens at the end of the night, chances are you are drunk or at least have been drinking. Thus, courage is way up. Here is the real kicker, even if it’s just the alcohol talking, you still appear confident. And because of the length of the interaction, unless you are just shit-faced, she’ll never know. However, if you do it when you’re sober, then it is over quickly no matter which way it goes. Fifth, you never get caught up in one of those long conversations with a girl only to have her tell you she has a boyfriend two hours later -- essentially wasting your time. (Here is a clue girls: Unless we are friends, guys don’t want to talk to girls with boyfriends. Nothing you say is that interesting. And why are you out at a bar anyway? Go home. Hang out with your great boyfriend. Quit leading us on. It’s not like you don’t realize what you are doing. You made the decision to be in a relationship, now act like it.)

The last thing is that it doesn’t really take too much to convince her to go out with you when you call her. Unless you come across on the phone as some sort of maniac, a girl will generally go out with you if she gives you her number. Add in the fact that you did a quick pick-up and the chances only get better.

Irons in the Fire

2006-03-23T10:35:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I have found that one of the hardest things about this whole venture is scheduling. Right now I have 3, maybe 4, irons in the fire, but have been unable to secure any legitimate dates due to unforeseen events. Of those upcoming dates, we can look forward to dates with a 23-year-old from Northern California (super hot), a 24-year-old from Atlanta and a 26-year-old from Malibu.

Part of the reason that I haven't done anything this last week is because I am still recovering from the weekend. Sunday was the first day I hung out with Girl From Malibu (GFM) and her roommate. This was not a date because it was just a feeling out meeting. They cooked me breakfast and then we proceeded to go to my buddy Z's rooftop and enjoy the beautiful San Francisco day while drinking 7 bottles of champagne worth of mamosas. I couldn't refuse even though I really didn't want to drink because as my last roommate once told me: "I've never seen anyone your age that was so susceptible to peer pressure." What can I say. I'm weak when it comes to laying in the sun with fit girls. So I ended up with a great day, but a bad week. I'll more than make up for it this weekend and next week. Until then I will update on my theories of the quick-pick-up and why west coast girls intrigue me (Here's a hint: They don't like me).

Dates #7 and #8

2006-03-20T16:08:00.000-08:00

For those of you that think that I am writing these two together because Chuff got really lucky, I hate to disappoint you. However, this is not the case. I am writing these like this because both of these girls know about the website and have the address. Accordingly, they made me promise that I would not write about them in any manner. Just please trust me when I say that these dates did happen, and that I have gone out with one of them more than once.

I do not plan on having many more like this. I like having this as my little secret.

Date #6

2006-03-17T08:01:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the next couple of dates that I write about, or don’t write about (I’ll explain later), are going to be recorded a bit differently. This is because the girls that I went out with knew of the blog beforehand. Now, some might argue that they knew what they were getting themselves in to so I should just go ahead and post it. However, I had to make promises in order to get them to agree to go out with me. Promises like, “I promise I won’t write about you on the blog.” And, “I promise I won’t rate you on the blog.” Or, “I promise I’m not a Scientologist” (Sometimes I can be very pushy when asking a girl out). So, on to date #6.

I met #6 though a good friend of mine. Upon meeting her I noticed one thing, she was gorgeous. Now I am not just saying that because my friend, and #6, may read this. I am saying this because she just has one of those faces that instantly attracts me. Beautiful.

So when #6 and I went out, I learned that she is one of the coolest chicks I have ever met. Very laid back about things, but also has an edge. Likes to party, but is also very smart. I can’t say enough. So you may ask, “is this going to work out?” The answer: No. She is moving away in a few months, and I don’t know if I am her type anyway. We are definitely going to hang out again, but anything long-term is out of the question. I think the best thing about #6 is that it gives me hope of finding an attractive, cool chick that is not so tightly wound and into herself in this city. In fact, this prompted a whirlwind of asking girls out.

Date #5

2006-03-14T21:21:00.000-08:00

Age: 24
Score: 14 (7 Face/7 Body)
Occupation: Advertising
Home State: Wisconsin

Ok, try and follow me on this one. This date was a bit of a surprise. A surprise because I had met #5 last year, got her number, then never called her. It was also a surprise because when I met her I thought she was someone else that I had gone out with last year.

So, I was in Pizza Pino to get a slice before heading up to my apartment when I recognized the girl next to me. Now, even though I recognized her it was late and I had been drinking that night so I couldn’t really put my finger on where I knew her from. Then it clicked! Or so I thought.

I thought this was a girl from Orinda (We’ll call her GFO for purposes of this story.) that I had gone out with for a couple of weeks the year before. Thus, I started talking to her as if she was GFO. However, the whole time I couldn’t help but feel that maybe this wasn’t in fact her.

(So here is the back story. I went out with GFO for a couple of weeks and then we just became friends. We hung out after that and were actually getting along. Then, something happened to her phone and it would come up “number not in service” every time I called. Because we only hooked up by phone I had no other way to get in touch with her (no common friends). So I hadn’t talked to her since – this was about a year.)

So I’m talking to #5 as if she was GFO and telling her that I haven’t been able to get in touch with her because her number was out of service. She said that her phone was fine and thought that I was trying to give her a line for not calling her. I began to realize that this was not GFO. Here is where it really gets weird. Not only did #5 look like GFO, but she had the same F-ing name. This caused much confusion in my mind that was already swimming with bourbon. Anyway, after a relatively incoherent conversation I convinced her to give me her number to meet up. It was only after about two days that I realized who this person was.

Our date was pretty much a bust. We met for coffee and she was very stand-offish. I don’t blame her; I never called her back and fed her a line about her phone being broken. Still though, the line about the phone was not my fault. Anyway, I didn’t feel that the situation was good enough to put in the effort to try and convince her that I wasn’t an ass. (And by situation, I mean her) We parted ways, and we will probably never talk again. I should get points for getting her number though. Can I get a ruling on this?

Sorry

2006-03-14T06:53:00.000-08:00

I have had company in town so I haven't been able to update. I am going to get it going today.

New Rule, Not Mine

2006-03-07T20:10:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here is a new twist on the game. Turns out I owe the tax man a little more than I thought. And by “a little more” I mean “I’m getting banged by the tax man.” It’s not that bad though, essentially it just means that I am going to be broke for the next two months. Thus, my weekends will be much more subdued. On the plus side I will lose a lot of weight because I will not be eating or drinking as much.

Now, I don’t really see this as a setback. In fact, I see this as God trying to help me out. I think God is trying to show me that it is a lot easier to pick up girls when you can complete a sentence. I think if God was here he would say “Great job picking up the quim to this point, but try this way out.” Well God, I will.

The tricky thing will be finding things to do on dates where I don’t have to buy them anything. I have a feeling that I will be hiking much more than I would like. You know, I don’t really get hiking. Sure you get exercise, but in the slowest most boring way possible. Have you ever noticed that all of the longest hikes are associated with bad things – The Trail of Tears, The Bataan Death March . . . ? Now hiking up a huge mountain could be cool. At least that way you accomplish something. However, how many times do you end up hiking up a huge mountain? But just hiking for that sake of walking through a forest is lost on me.

(“But you get to commune with nature.”)

I have the Discovery Channel in HD. That suits me just fine.

Dates #5 and #6 will be up this week.

Completely Random

2006-03-02T21:10:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this has nothing to do with dating. But I just saw a commercial for a movie called “Yours, Mine and Ours” on TV. The premise is that two families come together and have 18 kids total. 18 F-ing kids. Is this really necessary? Wasn’t there just a movie with 12 kids? Isn’t the storyline pretty much the same once you pass 8 kids? Is this some sort of F-ing contest? Who can put the most kids on screen at once? This has gotten ridiculous. And the thing is, the more kids they put on screen, the bigger the Suck Factor. I think there should be some sort of cap on movies from now on. Unless it is some sort of summer camp movie, because everyone loves summer camp movies. But seriously, no more than 5 kids per family. Otherwise, you might as well be watching a Tim Allen movie. By the way, that reference just came up because I also saw a preview for “The Shaggy Dog.” Either Tim Allen or his agent needs to be shot because this has got to stop.

(Wait for it)

(Wait for it)

And I’m out.

Chuff Drinks Too Much (This one is Chuff sized)

2006-03-01T10:38:00.000-08:00

I like to drink. I mean, what’s not to like about it? It’s refreshing, tasty and makes your head feel funny. However, I can admit that sometimes I go overboard. This happened a recent Saturday ago, and set me back a full weekend in my quest. This weekend will explain what happened to #1 and how I missed out on a huge opportunity.

On this Saturday I was on. Things just kept falling into place, however, in my drunken state everything went up in flames. I don’t even remember how I got drunk, but I guess that’s how it happens.

So Z and I were in the Marina and a group of girls decided to sit down with us. With the exception of one, I wasn’t really into them. This was a tall, blonde girl (We’ll call her TBG for purposes of this story) that was easy to talk to. So I went down the list of small talk subjects: where are you from; what area of town do you live in; what do you do; how many men have you used your hand on, and so on. When she told me what she did for a living something clicked because I thought I had heard this before. Upon further investigation I found out that she was #1’s boss! She actually hired #1! I mean, how F-ing small is this town that I meet two girls, in two different parts of town, that work together in the same small office? I’ll tell you – really small. Now clear-thinking Chuff would have cut his losses and moved on, but sauced Chuff thought it would be a good challenge to see if I could get her. I informed TBG that I had in fact taken #1 out before, but that she should give me her number anyway. TBG acquiesced and made me promise that I would call her if she gave it to me; and I had number 1 of the evening. However, after this attempted coup I never got a call back – from either #1 or TBG. This led me to two conclusions.

First, this was awesome. I found another way of breaking up with someone without having to do it face-to-face and telling them they are not my type. Just ask their boss out. Second, women find the most peculiar times to pull the solidarity card. I mean, I understand #1 not wanting to call me back (even though she was blowing up my cell phone a lot prior to this), but what about TBG? I had only hung out with #1 twice, it’s not like there were feelings involved. But I am sure that this was some sort of “girl power,” “we’ll show him” stand they were making. (Here comes a tangent) But this is just foolish when you realize that if they were ever put in a position to show their strength in the workplace they would be at each other’s throats, not on the same side. Now, I realize there are exceptions to every rule (girls, this is your cue not to write any comments trying to argue the other side) but in my experience, and many others, women in the workplace do not work well with each other. They are so competitive and spiteful and downright evil to each other in the workplace, when they could be collaborating to do something great. That would be real solidarity. But hey, at least they showed that guy that asked them both out.

Next in the evening came a huge disappointment. Z and I went to a house party on Nob Hill and I was shocked upon entry. We were the shortest people there. Now I sit a hair under 6’2” and had never experienced this before, but everyone there, guys and girls, was a giant (now I know how Tom Cruise feels). I was completely bombed by this time of night when I saw the next target of my affection. Z told me I got a crazed yet determined look in my eye when I spotted this girl and I believe him. She was completely cute, and completely taller than me. Maybe we were the same height, but without proper measurement we will never know. So I go up and talked to this former basketball player and she was completely cool. I was so completely fascinated with a girl taller than me that I could not let this one slip through my fingers. We talked for a while, and when she was leaving I asked for her number. Her name began with a “K” and thus I put her number under “K2.” Or so I thought. In my drunkenness I accidentally pushed “cancel” instead of “done.” Noooooooooooooo! I didn’t figure this out until the next day, and every attempt to get it since has failed.

So I lost two numbers that night, one due to drunken bravado and one due to being a drunken idiot. The night wasn’t a total wash though. I got the number of a girl leaving the party at the last minute (I talked to her because she was the most attractive girl there) who eventually became another date. Still, I’ll never be able to climb K2.

Date #4

2006-02-27T10:03:00.000-08:00

Age: 23
Score: 15.5 (7 face/8.5 body)
Occupation: Publishing
Hometown: Fresno, CA

Once again, I have to thank a wingman for helping me pick up a date. This occurred when my boy PW randomly talked to some girls while we were waiting to hail a cab in North Beach. They lived in our area so we decided that we should all walk together. This idea was quickly thrown out when we realized how far uphill this would be. I thought one of the girls was particularly cute and tried to do the quick pick-up (This is my favorite pick-up as will be discussed later). We talked for about a minute and I convinced her that she should give me her number so we could talk tomorrow.

I called the next evening and #4 was out to dinner. I told her to call me back because I guaranteed that if she talked to me, that she would agree to go out with me. She asked if I wanted to put money on it; I had two questions before I would agree to this:

Chuff: Do you have a boyfriend?
#4: No.
Chuff: Are you a lesbian?
#4: No.
Chuff: Deal.

Anyway, she called back and we ended up talking for an hour. She agreed to go out with me and I won $5. For our date we did a Nob Hill tour. We started at Top of the Mark, then moved to the Tonga Room, and finished the night at Zeki’s.

(Note: Anyone that knows the Tonga Room knows that it is a ridiculous South Pacific themed bar in the Fairmont Hotel. And though it is ridiculous, it provides a lot of laughs, nice lighting, and a unique experience that makes a first date memorable. It is the complete opposite atmosphere from Top of the Mark, which is completely elegant and provides the best views of the city of any bar in San Francisco. However, the two of these places work well in unison -- kind of a yin and yang relationship. I have a feeling I will be using the Top of the Mark/Tonga Room combo again.)

Anyway, we had a great time and I actually enjoy talking to her. She is smart and gets my sense of humor. Either that or she is a maniac and just laughs at everything. I will definitely see her again. One potential hang-up, she has really curly hair. I mean really curly. Now, I have known some people with really curly hair, but this takes the cake. I’m talking curly. It is soft to the touch though, so we will see what happens with that.

(I will be updating a lot this week. I am a bit backed up)

Vacation

2006-02-23T06:37:00.000-08:00

I am in Austin right now. I will update on Sunday with Date #4.

Whatever Happened to #2

2006-02-19T16:19:00.000-08:00

I am a chicken. One thing that I have a terrible problem with is telling someone that I don’t want to see them anymore. I have such a problem with it that it rarely happens. I tend to employ the avoidance technique and it has worked out well for me.

You see, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and I also feel that it is a bit presumptuous, for lack of a better word, to tell someone after one date or two, “you’re just not my type.” I mean, it has only been a couple of dates -- who do I think I am that I have to verbalize that I don’t want to do it again as if we were dating for months? However, I do see that an adult might suck it up, just say it, and maybe avoid any bad feelings for “breaking up” with them in a rude way (i.e., never communicating with them ever again in my life). So that was going to be one of the things that I worked on this year. I am no longer allowed to use the avoidance technique. However, necessity being the mother of invention, that doesn’t mean that I will just be coming out and telling them it’s over. Take #2 for example, she is no longer around under my new “just wait until they make a mistake and then understand immediately that things just aren’t going to work out” plan.

You see, people are imperfect. Give anyone long enough and they will do something stupid enough that could be used as evidence as to why things didn’t work out. Anyone. I knew that #2 was over when it annoyed me that she was at a party at which I had just arrived. It’s nothing against her, but I am pretty sure that she went there because of me and I was really looking forward to mingling and hanging out with my friends. This isn’t really possible when you have to entertain someone. So #2 latched onto me and even came with us when we went out later. She was still a nice girl, but I really didn’t want to see her again. Thus, I was going to tell her this on the way home.

Later that night I was walking her home and trying to work up the courage to tell her face-to-face that things weren’t working out. And though things should have been a lot easier due to the alcohol consumption of the evening, I was putting so much thought into it that I couldn’t even tell you what she was talking about on the way home. We passed my place first and she asked if she could use my bathroom. That was fine and she came up. At first I thought that this was some sort of move, but then I quickly learned that it was probably more of a necessity. When she came out of the bathroom I was sitting on the couch where she joined me for about 5 seconds. Then, she began to throw up all over my apartment. Yes! Yes! Yes! This was it! This was her mistake! There was minimal clean-up and afterward she thanked me for being so nice about the whole thing. Then she gave me an awkward smile as if to show that she knew that things just weren’t going to work out. I haven’t heard from her since. Score one for Chuff! What can I say, I’m a chicken with these matters and anytime it works out so perfectly for me I feel like I have won a prize. Next will be another technique that I stumbled upon to avoid verbalization.

Chuff Defends Himself

2006-02-17T09:23:00.000-08:00

This is the first, and only, time on this site that I am going to respond to some of my critics. I just want to address some of the points that several girls have brought to my attention. Needless to say, their criticism is unfounded. Here we go:

1) “Using the 20-point system is mean and degrading” - This is ridiculous. First, everyone rates the way people look immediately upon meeting them. It is the first thing you notice. Now, girls may not put a numeric value on looks the way guys do, but they still rate people. My use of the 20-point system is not meant to be mean and degrading, but used to provide some context as to who I am going out with without going into some winded James Michener-esque description;

2) “It's rude to put these dates on the internet” - Why? These girls are aware that when you go on a date the other person is going to tell others how it went. What is the difference if it is a room-full of your friends, or on the internet. It's not like anyone knows these people -- the girls are anonymous;

3) “Going out with 52 girls shows a general disrespect for women” - This seems to be a double standard. Are you telling me that a girl would not go out with 52 guys if asked? Please. That is every Sex and the City watching girl’s dream. If you don’t like any of them, why not go out with someone else? It just seems different because men must be the pursuers. Thus, it appears like I am working out some sick little scheme. However, is there really any difference between dolling your self up every weekend in hopes that you will be asked out and dolling yourself up every weekend in hopes of asking someone out? As for 52 girls, I like to set arbitrary goals for myself to keep me focused; and finally,

4) “You are doing this for the wrong reasons” - As I have mentioned before, there is no malice intended by my actions. I have a healthy relationship with my mother and no girl has ever done anything to me that wasn’t forgivable, thus, I have no “issues” with women that would lead me to do anything demeaning to them. I just want to go to a bunch of restaurants, meet a bunch of girls, have a game to play every weekend, and entertain my friends. Now get over yourselves and quit being so judgmental.

Date #3

2006-02-16T10:07:00.000-08:00

Age: 34
Score: 16 (8 Body/8 Face)
Occupation: Attorney
Where She’s From: Colorado

Now this date went against two preconceived notions of I had of myself: I never thought I would date an attorney and I never thought I would go out with someone older than me. Both of these were thrown out the window when #3 walked in the door because she is smoking hot.

We met while out celebrating Texas humiliating USC in the Rose Bowl. For this intro I must thank my vigilant wingmen. Wingmen are so key to an attempt like the one I am making because sometimes you just don’t feel like doing all of the work necessary to ask someone out. My wingman this evening was Z. He did a great job in busting through her wall of guy friends even though it appeared that she could have been with any of them. (Note: Girls, if you are out with your guy friends and ever want a guy to ask you out, put some space in there. Don’t be so chummy. Stray from the pack a bit and look around. Do something that says “I’m not dating these assholes.”) The best part of Z’s attempt is that it was a complete suicide mission. We all thought that one of those guys was her boyfriend, but while drunk and basking in Texas’ championship, Z put his head down, said “I don’t care,” and went in for the kill. Turns out she was too old for Z and dating an older woman was on my “to do” list for this year. Smooth Chuff moved in and the rest is history.

Because we are both attorneys, it took a while to get some time to see each other. Thus, we hooked up after the Super Bowl while she was celebrating the Pittsburgh victory. She was still really hot, and once again we were both drunk. However, we had a good time and she will make it to the next round. We are trying to work out a time where we can meet sober and sit across a table from each other while eating food, however, our schedules are not very permitting. And though we talk on the phone frequently, we seemed destined to only meet after championship games. Maybe our calendars will be clear around the NBA Finals.

(Note: One thing that I find oddly endearing and funny is when she calls me "kiddo." I don't know if it makes me laugh because she has decided that she is the dominant figure in the relationship or if it's because my mom calls me that.)

Update

2006-02-16T07:16:00.000-08:00

I'll be updating later today, and then a lot over the next week. There is a lot to say.

Thank You Ms. Spears

2006-02-13T19:36:00.000-08:00

I had a very explicit dream about Brittany Spears last night - Very explicit. It was awesome, and let me tell you, that chick is a freak in bed. She is now once again in my top five, even if it’s only because she is the only famous chick I’ve had sex with. But this dream didn’t just lead to me waking up with a big smile on my face; it also gave me some excellent visuals for the shower this morning.

Now, I know that masturbation may be a gross subject for my female readers to read about, but let me assure you, it is a natural and necessary thing for a dating man to engage in. This is because when semen levels get too high it can flood a man’s head, thus impairing the part of the brain where his standards are kept. Also, it can affect a man’s eyesight, making things just slightly blurry so he can’t really see the features of the woman he is talking to – similar to a cataract.

Either way, it is something that must be kept in check. Otherwise someone may say something like this about you:

Friend #1: Man, D sure goes out with a lot of girls.
Friend #2: Yea, well, anyone can dunk a 3-foot goal.

Next Post - Date #3

Blast From The Past

2006-02-12T18:03:00.000-08:00

I love text messaging. It’s one of the better things to happen to dating. You can text someone and you are guaranteed to get an answer. That’s because there is no pressure. You can give someone an excuse as to why you can’t go out with them and you don’t have to worry about it sounding contrived because neither your voice nor your lame story give you away.

Me: You doing anything tonight?
Her: Yea, got plans. I call you later in the week.

See. It’s that easy. And you know instantly where you stand. So I got a text the other night. This is a transcript:

Her: Hey, come meet us at Lamplighter for some drinks.
Me: Who is this, and what city is Lamplighter in? (I didn’t recognize the number and I was out of town at the time)
Her: Just come down here.
Me: Seriously who is this?
Her: If you don’t know who this is then you are a _______. (She really put a _____ there.)
Me: Nevermind, I have no idea who this is. Later.
Her: Sorry, these texts were meant for someone else. (Like you just accidentally text an SC number.)
Me: No problem, I have no doubt you are insane.
Her: I am not insane. You probably won’t remember, but this is Susan

Oh Susan, how could I forget (and I think I was right about the insane part). I went out with Susan a while ago. She was a nice girl from Stanford that I met in North Beach. There are two things that I remember about our date, the restaurant where we ate and the end of the night.

The restaurant was memorable because I was craving a margarita that night. This being the case, we went to a mom and pop Mexican restaurant that citysearch listed as being great – Tia Margarita. I figure you can’t go wrong with margarita in the name. I was wrong. They were the most vile drinks I have ever had. I figured they would get better, but they never did. The margaritas honestly tasted like Mad Dog. Needless to say, NEVER GO TO TIA MARGARITA in San Francisco.

The end of the night though was much more memorable, and explains why I never called her again. Despite the drinks, we had a decent time and she was a nice girl. The end of the night rolled around, she was fairly attractive and even though the margaritas were terrible they still had tequila in them -- so I went in for a kiss. When I was pulling away I opened my eyes and she was staring at me. That’s messed up. However, I didn’t know for sure if she was staring at me the whole time we kissed, or if she just opened up a second before me. So I did an experiment. I went in for another kiss, right in the middle of it I opened my eyes slightly to look at her, and she was full-on staring at me while we kissed! This freaked me out. Big time. I pulled back and probably had a confused yet horrified look on my face. I bid her farewell, and erased her number from my phone immediately upon closing the door. Seriously, if you ever want to freak someone out, try that shit.

Date #2 - Part 2

2006-02-09T12:18:00.000-08:00

Ok, so at dinner two great things came up in our conversation:

First, it seems my pick-up the night of the party was ridiculous. You see, there are many angles guys take when trying to talk to girls. Among the ones I use are: Smooth Chuff; Really Nice Chuff; Funny Chuff; Sexy Glance Chuff (Though if “Sexy Glance Chuff” turns into “Creepy Stare Chuff” then it eventually morphs into “Restraining Order Chuff”); there’s Romantic Comedy Chuff (this is where you just walk up to a girl and tell her something along the lines of you seeing her and having to meet her and hope she finds it charming); and speaking of -- Charming Chuff; and then there is the approach I used that night which apparently was “Incredibly Sauced and Will Say Anything That Pops in His Head Chuff.” (This by the way is the most entertaining Chuff for others. Not always so much for Chuff.) That led to this exchange:

Her: Do you remember what you said to me that night?
Me: (uh-oh) Um, no, I really can’t remember. Was it good?
Her: I’m not sure.
Me: What did I say? (I really had no idea)
Her: You told me you had a tongue like an anteater.
Me: (choking on my ravioli and laughing pretty hard)

I give her credit though. She wasn’t offended and knew I was just being silly.

Next came her big revelation. We were making small talk when high school came up, and she was a little fuzzy on her experience there. So I threw out a silly question that always makes me think of that Chris Kattan and Molly Shannon skit from SNL:

Me: So were you goth in high school?
Her: (looking a little uncomfortable)
Me: Were you! (please, please, please)
Her: I’m not sure…
Me: Were you! (almost jumping out of my chair)
Her: Well, I guess
Me: That’s awesome! I was too! (She didn’t believe me)

I spent the next 30 minutes asking her the litany of goth questions in my head (I have never actually met a person that was goth in high school, but I have always wanted to. To me there is nothing funnier). The questions (and some of her answers):

- Did you only listen to Morrissey and The Cure (mostly Papa Roach and Jack-off Jill)
- Did you wear white make-up and black eye-shadow (She is pale anyway; yes on the eye-shadow)
- Did you bark or hiss at the cool kids in the halls (no)
- Did you work at Cinnabun (No response – she hadn’t seen the SNL skit)
- Did you have a goth name (Dark Kitty – just kidding, she didn’t have one)
- Animal sacrifices? (no)

We talked for a while longer, and though I could tell that she probably wasn’t my type, she was entertaining and reminded me of a good friend of mine. I will call her again, but I am not sure on what level.

Date #2

2006-02-08T11:41:00.000-08:00

Vital Stats
Age: 22
Score: 14 (7 face/7 body)
Career: Art Gallery Sales
Where She's From: Michigan

I met #2 at a party. I happen to sit down next to her and we started to talk. At first she was a little shocked that I was 28. Upon seeing the shock on her face I told her not to worry, I am incredibly immature. After the party a group of us were stumbling down Polk Street and went into the Red Devil Lounge. For those of you that don't know, this is a music venue. To our surprise we were let in for free and who do you think was singing -- Jordan Knight. Jordan F-ing Knight! He was backed by a DJ and did all the New Kids' greatest hits. It was a surreal experience and I am not sure how I should feel about it.

Anyway, I had been drinking a bit that night (a common theme) and I was starving. Thus, I asked her to come over to my place and let me cook for her the next day. When I awoke the next morning I immediately regretted this decision. I don't want to cook for this girl. I don't even know what she looks like! Fortunately, this didn't work out, but we rescheduled.

So this is how small this city is. Already I am running into trouble because #1 lives about a block away from #2. Thus, when deciding on where to eat I couldn't pick a less expensive Polk Street restaurant for fear of running into #1, who I just told that I wasn't doing anything that night. I had to pick a restaurant that I frequent near my apartment. Very good, but expensive. (Note: And going out to eat was only a necessity because I was about to go out of town and couldn't fit in a coffee at the time. Otherwise, girls I don't remember get the coffee treatment.)

Part 2 - Tomorrow (This is the good part)

By the way, I was going to update this site 3 times a week. But when I have a longer story like this one, it may be more. Just keep checking back.

Drumroll Please - Date #1

2006-02-06T09:02:00.000-08:00

Vital Stats:
Age: 24
Score: 13 (6.5 Face/6.5 Body)
Occupation: Advertising
Where She's From: Colorado

I met date number one on Polk Street at everyone's favorite neighborhood bar, The Buccaneer. I like Polk Street because it is the only place in the city where you can have a pirate themed bar right down the street from a Bigfoot themed bar (Bigfoot the monster, not the truck). It was very late on a Saturday evening, and thus, Chuff was quite sauced. I noticed this girl checking me out so I moved in. Now mind you, when it is late on a Saturday night my smooth factor goes in the toilet. This is not so much from the time of day, but the number of "car bombs" I have consumed. However, this rarely matters because the girls you talk to are probably in the same shape. This was the case. I do not remember what we talked about, what she looked like or even if she had all of her limbs. Date number one is going to be a big surprise!

Because I have no idea who this girl is, I choose coffee as a first date. This will probably be the norm for the girls I meet while drinking. I also like this because I get to get down to North Beach to my favorite coffee shop. (The Greco has the best coffee in town. The best.) I went to meet number one near her work and when she came up I was pleasantly surprised. She was cute and had nice eyes. She was also bundled up so I couldn't get a good look at the whole package. We went to the Greco and then comes fortuitous mistake number one. Seeing as how the Greco is my favorite place you would have thought that I would have remembered that they only take cash. I didn't. Thus, number one had to buy the coffee. At first I was a little embarrassed, but then I thought about how great this was. I needed to do this everytime. Pull out the card and then act shocked that they only take cash; she says it's no problem; she buys; Chuff wins. I could actually make money going on these dates. (Side Note: I am now making it a rule that I have to pull that one on purpose at least once, just to spice things up.)

Anyway, we talked for a bit. She is a sorority girl from Colorado University. She is also a twin, though not identical. By the way, I could never date an identical twin. Partly because it would freak me out and partly because I would always wonder if I picked the right one. She was nice, but not my type. However, I decide to call her again because she seemed cool and could possibly be a friend. (I will eventually change my tune.) More to come.

The 20-Point Scale

2006-02-01T22:16:00.000-08:00

To be sure to fill everyone in on the "type" of girl that I am going out with, it will be necessary to apply some sort of rating system to each of them. Thus I will use my patent-pending 20-point scale.

There are many different ways that men employ to rate women. Obviously, there is the 10-point scale. This may be the oldest and most tested measurement of women. There is the 5-star system, used by such celebrities as Tucker Max. This is similar to a football recruiting rankings. And I recently became aware of the binary system where women are assigned either a 1 or 0. (A note on the binary system: This should only be used in extreme situations, such as spring break or possibly during a slumpbuster.)

But hey, this is not amateur hour. These methods don't really give the whole story. That is why I tweaked the 10-point scale into the 20-point scale -- 10 points each for body and face. By separating body and face you get the complete picture. (Example: A friend could be dating a girl and his buddies ask him to rate her. He says "7." They think "alright, not bad." They see her and are freaked out and tell him that she is no seven. Here's the problem, she has a 4 face and a 10 body. Sure that equals 14 and averages out to 7, but 7 really doesn't tell the whole story.) So I will be using the 20-point scale to give you more of the context of each date. And more of an idea of how things change shape when drinking.

(Note: San Francisco is not a warm place. Thus, all body scores will have a +/- 1 margin of error. This is because everyone is wearing a lot of clothes and it is not always easy to see what people are working with.)

The Rules

2006-01-31T20:48:00.000-08:00

The rules are easy -- If I get a number, I have to take them on a date. I have a terrible habit of never calling girls back after getting a number. This is mostly because I have been drinking prior to getting their number and don't recall whether or not it would be worth it. But now, its time to grow up and live with the consequences of these actions. This will be the funniest part anyway, because then my dates will be like a box of chocolates.

The only other rule is where I must obtain these dates. Currently the list stands at:

Starbucks
Grocery Store
My Gym
I must get set up by a friend
Craigslist (This is one that I am really looking forward to. I figure getting a date from Craigslist would be similar to an internet dating service like Match.com; If everyone who posted on Match.com were maniacs.)
The Marina (Area of SF)
North Beach (Area of SF)
The Mission (Area of SF)
The Financial District (Area of SF)

If anyone has any other suggestions, feel free to comment.

Finally, just to define what a "date" is: it is anytime where I meet with a girl, just the two of us, and we get a chance to talk. This could be coffee, this could be drinks, this could be dinner. Most likely this will be coffee. One reason is that I don't want to be buying dinner for a girl whose number I got after a night of drinking (The box of chocolates theory). Two, I don't have the cash to be throwing down for a dinner date twice a week for someone I may not like.

One other thing, people have asked me what happens if I meet someone that I really want to date. That will be a decision that will be made if a girl makes it to the 5th round (ie, 5th date). However, the train will not stop while these dates are going on, only after a moment of reflection if date number 5 ever roles around. I mean, this is important stuff I'm doing. I can't just stop for no reason.

The Beginning

2006-01-29T20:58:00.000-08:00

How to begin? I have realized recently that I have been really hard on my current city, San Francisco. When I moved out here I had such high hopes for this place. I thought, "Hey, I like California. San Francisco is a big city. I love the 49ers. This will be a great place to start my career. And the ladies will be excellent." Well 2 out of 5 aint bad. This has been a great place to start a career, and I still like California. However, the rest has been a major disappointment. First, the 49ers suck. And they always will as long as the Yorks own the team. Next, San Francisco is not a big city. Its tiny -- 7 miles by 7 miles. And that's just the boundaries. The "real" city that you hear about is only about 3 square miles. And finally, though this is considered a major city with tons of appeal, the inhabitants leave something to be desired when looking for a mate.

However, I do admit, I haven't been fair to this city. See, I come from the land of plenty -- the American South, where beautiful girls with tons of personality abound. I really shouldn't expect the same thing from other areas of the country; But I do. But even with these high expectations, I feel that I have been unfair to San Francisco. I really shouldn't call it "The Ugliest Big City in the World" or "The Place That Beauty Forgot" or even "The Tara Reid of America."

So, I am determined to find the "fairer" side of the city. Now don't get me wrong. The city itself may be the most beautiful in the world. And, there are over 700,000 people that live within the city limits. The law of averages says that there must be some beautiful people here (and I mean on the inside as well as the outside. No, seriously.). Thus, I am going to go out with 52 women this year. If I do that, the cream must eventually rise to the top. In a city of 700,000 people there must be some well rounded attractive people that could also be considered smart, entertaining and nice. There has to be. Well, I would think that in any ordinary city.

One other thing that I would like to mention is that I am entering this with the best intentions. This isn't going to be some trashy sex blog. This is really about getting to know 52 different people and trying to get a good cross section of the city. But as I enter with the best intentions, is it inevitably going to end in a firery disaster. I can't wait.

Next Post: The Rules